Tantrums and Power

I have a four year old who throws tantrums. He screams, refuses to move, and, occasionally, throws things. He no longer hits. And I am left, often in a public place, with the choice between 'making him behave' and 'teaching him to control himself'. Here is why, in spite of the increased difficulty, in spite of the longer resolution time, in spite of the embarrassment and the loud comments from observers, and having to block those not content to be merely observers, I am choosing to teach rather than to make.

When I was 15 my mother tried to strangle me. In her words, "I didn't know how else to make you shut up". And the truth of the matter is she didn't have another way to shut me up. In fact, in that instance I shoved her off me and left the house and that was the last time she tried to physically enforce her will on my person- because in that scenario I had finally reached a point where my power was equal to hers. She had spent her entire parenthood 'making me behave' and she no longer had the ability to do so. That is the problem with 'making someone behave'- unless you succeed in completely removing their desire to oppose you (and I hope that causes you to shudder when pertaining to another human consciousness) there will come a day when you no longer have the power to 'make' them do anything.

Could I, even without hitting, physically remove my 35 lb 4-year-old from every tantrum situation and force him to calm down? Of course, and I sometimes do when safety for himself or others is a factor. But each time I do I take away his opportunity to come down from the edge of irrationality and overwhelming emotion and control himself. And that is the life skill I want him to achieve. Even if it takes several more years. Even if it tries the very bounds of my patience (hey maybe I'll learn it too) and my husband's patience, even if it makes me look weak to those observing because they see it as coddling or spoiling him, even if we as a family have to avoid situations and places that don't allow us the time to work through this slow process. Because my husband and I have agreed on the endgame we want and the process to get there. And so our question must constantly be, "Am I applying my current superior power to force obedience or am I encouraging self-mastery and personal restraint?". Or in other words, am I:

Making him behave or Teaching him to control himself?