Be Grateful There Aren't Pictures

I am serious about that title. Please stop for a moment and send thanks to me that there are not pictures accompanying this post. Moving on...

This story begins with L's father-in-law being nice. L doesn't get to the Temple for her church very often due to a lot of miss-prioritizing and a little legume we like to call Peanut. Anyway L's father-in-law arranges for L to do a session at the Temple on Wednesday while he watches the 'Nut outside. Problem solved. L is excited.

However, on Tuesday Peanut is a little clingy in the morning and after being up for about a half hour he vomits twice in the living room. It's not a big deal, especially since he hasn't eaten anything yet and as he has been having problems with allergies L chalks it up to that appealing-sounding sinus drainage. She watches what he eats all day and isn't overly concerned.

Wednesday he's still not back to normal but not even any vomit. L's sister, from here on out to be known as 'Wendy the super queen and best sister ever', comes over and dyes eggs with L and 'Nut and much fun is had. Although 'Nut seems mostly back to normal L determines she doesn't want him running around too much outside yet so has Ox take off work early to watch the 'Nut and she heads on down to the Temple. 'Wendy the super queen and best sister ever' watches the 'Nut for the few minutes between L having to leave and Ox getting home.

On the drive to the Temple (approx. 70 miles/1 hr 15 mins) L realizes she hasn't eaten since lunch and won't get dinner until late. Well...life happens. However, after L gets to the temple her stomach starts hurting. Then aching. Then grinding and twisting into a tornado of pain. This eases into a wave of nausea. L is sitting through the approx. hour and a half session alternately praying to NOT VOMIT IN THE TEMPLE!!! and wondering what would happen if she did. Probably not a lot of quality worshiping.

After the session is over L rushes to the bathroom fully intent on vomiting but nothing happens. The nausea diminishes and the pain becomes bearable. Maybe God loves L because she stoically endured under pressure? L would be proud if she wasn't in such a rush to get home. So starts the 'short earlier this afternoon and now unbelievably long' trip home.

L drives down the freeway trying to decide if it's better to be distracted at a higher speed or for a longer time. If she vomits on a cop will that get her out of a ticket or into jail as he will surely not believe she's not drunk? Being a planner L starts to look around for what she could vomit into should such a situation arise... Ahh thanks to L and Ox's slovenly ways here is a WhataBurger bag within reach. Problem solved. L even calls her Ox to make sure he will still love her if she fills their car with vomit. He responds positively but hints that love will not extend to cleaning vomit from car upholstery.

And then it happens. Uncontrollable Vomit. Left hand on the steering wheel, looking over the right shoulder to change lanes and pull safely off the freeway, right hand holding the WhataBurger bag to her face to catch pulsing streams of something hot and rancid. Almost to the side...almost safe...then the WhataBurger bag disintegrates under a burden it was never meant to bear. Suddenly things have gone from bad to worse.  

***Pause to calm yourself... She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.*** 

As we return to the scene L is safely off to the side of the freeway. However the gratitude that should be forthcoming is mired in the vomit covering: L, her lap, her seat belt, her center console, her gear shift, the right side of her car seat, a small section of the passenger seat...

If the world were fair L would be immediately transported to her own bathroom to get cleaned up and then pampered by her loving husband. Alas the would is not fair and L is still over 45 minutes from home. Calling Ox results in sympathy but no logical quick fix. So L calls 'Wendy the super queen and best sister ever'. 'Wendy the super queen and best sister ever' immediately agrees to meet L at a gas station about 2 miles from L's current location.

'Wendy the super queen and best sister ever' meets L at the gas station and sends L into the bathroom with her own back up clothes. L ignores the horrified look of the attendant. While L cleans herself up and seeks to wedge herself into her sister's much smaller clothes, 'Wendy the super queen and best sister ever' uses a half carton of baby wipes to clean L's car better than could be ever imagined. L comes out (with a resolve to think on thigh and tummy fat at some later point), buys a water and thanks 'Wendy the super queen and best sister ever' in an inadequate way. 'Wendy the super queen and best sister ever' heads into the city for a date/night out (with her friend who has been sitting horrified in her car the ENTIRE time) smelling of someone else's vomit. She truly is amazing.

And so L heads home. She still has 45 minutes of driving and is eager to get to it. She does vomit once more but makes it off the road and out of the car first. As she makes the last stretch the following words come through her mental fog from a song playing on the radio:

Ooh, ooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell?
Ooh, ooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you