Black Bean Burgers and BLOOD!

***Readers, you might ask what a delicious vegetarian black bean burger has to do with blood. I'll give you a hint- not animal blood***

Here's how you make a succulently delicious black bean burger:

Take 2 c black beans. Sort them (take out any little rocks you find), rinse them, put them in a pot with 8 c water and soak over night.

In the morning, rinse the beans and drain the water. Add 6 c water, half a diced onion and some salt and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer between 1 1/2 to 2 hours until beans are soft. Let cool. Drain off excess liquid.

Take 2 c cooked beans (this will leave you excess beans in the pot). Mash with potato masher slightly. Add 1 c bread crumbs (or wheat germ...yum!), some cumin, some cayenne pepper, some garlic and more salt if needed. TASTE! Adjust flavoring as needed (you can add more beans if you added too much flavoring). When flavoring is delicious add 1-2 eggs and 1/2 c frozen corn. The consistency at this point should be similar to ground hamburger.

Form into patties. Coat lightly in corn meal. Fry in 2 Tbsp oil on med. high for about 5 mins on each side (remember the only thing that needs to be 'cooked' is the egg). Place in the oven to keep warm, if needed.

Now imagine L doing all these things, starting Sunday evening. Peanut is being a bit of a pill but other than remembering to plan ahead, black bean burgers aren't that labor intensive, so it's not too stressful. (Pay attention this next part moves fast).

L is forming the patties, pretty ecstatic, because the consistency is so perfect she should be on a cooking show. She is humming slightly- excited about eating these perfect burgers, Ox getting home from work and taking the 'Nut for a bike ride, then their trip into town for Baby/Toddler ASL class...and also to drown out the 'Nut's incessant whining. The 'Nut wants to help. He climbs on on the kitchen chair grabs the long, sharp bread knife and waves it around, stabbing it into one of the burgers. L lunges for the knife, the 'Nut pulls away, L ends up with the knife, starts to lecture about not touching knives and looks down to notice the skin between her thumb and pointer finger is now only partially connected. Ohhh muscles!

L rinses her hand (remember it's still covered in delicious black bean burger), wraps in in a kitchen towel that is embarrassingly un-cute and slightly dirty. She then picks up Peanut, who is crying because his diabolical plan to take over the world/desire to poke black bean burgers has been thwarted and walks quickly to...the computer?!?!? Why? Well because she has once again misplaced her phone and must EMAIL her husband at work for reinforcements. She emails. He does not respond but 15 mins later her Ox is home.

Ox looks at the squishy place covered by the towel and determines a doctor must be consulted. It is now 4:15 pm. L does not trust the local hospital. They call their doctors office but once they get there (35 miles away) it will be closed. They head to the ER by the doctors office.

By 6:15 the ER doctor sees them. The Ox and 'Nut are asked to leave, the squishy place is washed, dried and made accessible to the doctor. He asks if L is allergic to Lidocaine. She is not and says so but forgets to mention that while not sending her into anaphylactic shock it, it also doesn't numb her at all, something learned long ago at the dentist.

At this point I am guessing most of you enchanted readers are imagining our heroine as stalwart and stoic and brave...she is not. The second Ox and 'Nut leave she is crying like a baby, tears streaming down her face but oh so quietly so as not to disturb the doctor- after all we don't want him distracted.

The first stitch goes in. L remembers the significance of the Lidocaine question as the doctor asks her if she can feel anything. She nods emphatically. He doesn't see since he is diligently concentrating on sewing the squishy part closed. He tells her not to be shy if there's a problem, in a quiet not-expecting-a-response tone of voice. L finally manages to get out that 'YES, it hurts'. He looks up, surprised, and asks, slightly disbelieving, if it's really pain or just pressure. L says, "pain" in a completely controlled way as he sets the 2nd stich. "Hmmm...," the doctors says, as he sets the 3rd and last stich, the one that is obviously piecing together some sort of major nerve, and trying to make small talk continues, "So do you want any more kids?".