Dear Gluteus Maximus,We have had a good life together. You have provided a place for me to sit and I have tried not to embarrass you with daisy duke shorts. However, you have never been a part of my body I have had a desire to draw attention to. You are mostly flat and not shaped like J. Lo's bottom half in any way. This is ok. I have more than enough breast area to make up for this. But things have changed between us... I feel like we don't have much in common anymore and we are possibly moving in different directions, responding to different goals. I don't really understand you now...
First off, I have a serious question. What do you want to be called? I have not felt comfortable with a name for you since I was 5. I feel like we're missing out on part of our relationship because you don't have an appropriate nickname. 'A$$' seems a little vulgar for everyday use, 'butt' sounds stupid, 'bottom' reminds me of 3 year olds, 'back' is only used by rappers, 'tush' is an old lady word...what do you want????? I am open to suggestions.
Now onto our real issue. You are changing. I realize I am too. I now seem to have a basketball under my shirt and the extra weight has led me to waddling, which must be different and slightly uncomfortable for you. I can't do anything about this- Peanut needs room to grow. But other than that, I haven't changed much. I always had big boobs so even if they are getting bigger that seems like a small issue. My question is why are YOU getting bigger?
What has led you to growing in seemingly all directions? Why are you now farther out from my body and higher on my back? I have a short area between hips and boobs- if you continue to move up at the current pace I can only imagine you will reach my bra line in a matter of months. Is this necessary? Belly must grow to accommodate Peanut, boobs must grow to feed him (although I fully believe they were plenty large enough before and are just showing off now), hips must spread to eventually let him through, I even understand feet getting a little bigger to support his extra weight, but again I ask- why are YOU growing?
I don't need you to be big. In fact I was comfortable with our previous low-stress relationship. Nate was happy with you because he didn't know any better. You have raised his expectations and it's frustrating me.
Also I'm not sure what you are filling up all that space with. Amber smacked you the other day and nearly broke her hand- you are hard as steel. Why?
Please remember I still love you and want you around I just feel that not all change is good. Let's go back to how it used to be between us, with a minimum of fuss and tightening of pants.Thank you.
Sincerely,
L
PS A video just for you (note: please don't forget how questionable this song is- not G rated!)
3 comments:
I giggle that you write to your rear, and yet, I'm sure that someday I'll be doing the same thing. Maybe this is the reason for those horrendous high waisted pants of the 80s.
Oh I love it! I used to have a cute butt, sadly, it seems to be getting flabbier and less perky...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
ok, whew, just had to get that out of my system. Seriously one of my favorite posts ever!
Welcome, my dear, to the Badonkadonk Club. Believe you me, we're the cooolest. As a life-time member, let me remind you of some of the pros and cons of your new membership status:
pros~
1-you will now fill out the butt in pants.
2-there will be something there for your husband to grap/slap/etc
3-you'll have a eye-catching shake to your walk.
4-dancing to Shakira is oh-so-much fun when you have a curvy butt to shake.
cons~
1-your waistline in jeans will gape. this might not be a problem while preggers, but definitely will be post-birth.
2-be prepared to be checked out by black guys. the occasional risque comment is likely. (this, in my younger, single days was actually considered a pro. in fact, I guess it's still kinda considered a pro some days...)
3-during pregnancy, you'll have to deal with the much-dreaded, so-called "double bubble" ie:the belly is a large bubble, followed immediately by a bubble butt.
As for names for the lump between your hips and thighs, I'll use butt and the always-entertaining arse.
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